Pornography and Your Husband: An Intimate Love Affair
NPR is not exactly known for its pro-pornography stance, but it is known for being somewhat impartial. It is also an ironic application of the term “lesbian porn,” (see, Fresh Air with Terri Gross) but I digress.This article,
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=125382361
, posted recently on the NPR website is disappointing to even a true believer such as myself, not only because it is terribly written, but because it is sadly unsubstantiated by any of the usual fact checking that one might expect. The author is clearly bitter and blaming her failed marriage on pornography, and NPR let her spew her bullshit all over its reputation.
I have a few frustrations with the author and content of this particular article, identified as only “Anonymous.” A few of the more painful passages and my lambasting response to each are shown below for my own venting and the education of the masses:
1. “According to an online statistics firm, an estimated 40 million people use this drug on a regular basis. It doesn’t come in pill form. It can’t be smoked, injected, or snorted.” Pornography is not a drug. It is a sexual aid. Like anything that makes people feel good, it can be abused. So can video games and exercise and chocolate. Anything that impairs one or more life functions is an issue, it doesn’t matter where it comes from or what the content is. If it consumes your life in a way that disrupts your regular level of function it is, quite simply, a problem.
2. “Recently he began to reject my sexual advances outright, claiming he just didn’t “feel love” for me like he used to, and lamenting that he thought of me “more as the mother of our children” than as a sexual partner.”
This has nothing to do with porn. It is a common problem, faced by couples every day, but it is not about porn. It is about life, it is about routine, and seeing every part of another person’s life. Once people are exposed to the reality of another person, as opposed to the fantasy of that person, the romance factor declines. We romance ideals of other people to escape the kids, bills, car problems, and myriad of other boring details that comprise the life that was supposed to be “happily ever after.” It is unfortunate that this is not a problem of porn, because if it were we could just take away all of the porn in the world and there would be no infidelity, divorce, low self esteem or lesbian bed death. This author’s husband was definitely abusing porn, and using the escape of fantasy to hide from his life, but he could have done that in any number of ways. Ways that he would have found if there had been no porn.
3. “National Foundation for Family Research and Education at the University of Calgary, regular exposure to pornography increased risk of sexual deviancy… increased belief in the “rape myth” (that women cause rape and rapists are normal).” Porn does not cause rape. Not only is this connection an unfounded theory (hundreds of studies have failed to validate this link), the idea is a little insulting to the consumers of porn, and short
sighted in the assumption that all consumers of porn are male. Porn consumers, think of it this way: do you feel as though once you watch some naked people having sex you will feel the uncontrollable urge to rape the next woman who walks by? Or objectify every woman you see?
The incidence of rape in the United States has declined 85% in the past 25 years while access to pornography has become freely available to teenagers and adults. The Nixon and Reagan Commissions tried to show that exposure to pornographic materials produced social violence. The reverse may be, but is not necessarily, true: that pornography has reduced social violence (D’Amato, 2006.)
Over time, the extent that sex therapists had concern about the dangers of watching pornography discussions were limited to whether porn use could lead to sexual violence. Then, as now, no clear and reliable link emerged. The consensus was/is that pornography became a problem only when the viewer couldn’t distinguish between fantasy sex and real sex (believing, for example, that women enjoy being raped), or was using it in ways that endangered children (leaving it out where it could be seen), or harmed trust in an intimate relationship (pressuring a partner to do something he or she didn’t want to do) (Maltz, 2010.)
Porn can be really degrading. It’s racist, sexist, and exploits vulnerable people (mostly women). It can also be really fucking hot, and has the power to transform the way people think about their bodies, gender identity, and sexuality. Instead of focusing on what we don’t want in porn, Good Slut thinks we should be focusing on the images we DO want to see. It’s My Pleasure offers an *amazing* selection of sex-positive, diverse, woman-friendly porn just waiting for you.
So the next time you catch your partner(s) looking at porn, don’t grimace, pout, or accuse them of having a sexual addiction. Ask what they think is hot about those particular scenes/images. Talk about fantasies. Tell them how porn makes you feel. Or better yet, skip past all the processing and just make your own damn porn. The world will be a better place because of your contributions.
Kisses, Good Slut
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Good Slut Says: Fake it til you Make it
In theory, I agree with everything that Bad Slut just said. In practice, sometimes a girl just needs to apply a little “fake it until you make it” to her big moment. I know, calm down feminists , I’m not trying to jump the sexual empowerment ship here, I’m just throwing in a vote for practicality. Sometimes, you just gotta throw up yer hands and say “enough is enough.” I’m not saying you should fake orgasms every time, or even most of the time – if you ARE doing that, there is likely a more serious problem physically or mentally that needs to be addressed, pronto. It’s not fair to your partner(s) and its really unfair to your pussy. We are all “in it to win it” as it were, but there are a few exceptions when admitting defeat with dignity and putting a mark in the “try, try again” column is the only way to go. These exceptions might include, but are definitely not limited to:
1. You’ve exhausted every old reliable tactic, and even thrown in a few new kinky efforts, and it just ain’t happening. Your partner(s) has gone down on you for an hour, you’ve put a bullet, rabbit, and hitachi on your clit. Your naughty bits are all a-tingle with stimulating gels, you’ve tried the contortions of every English translation of the Kama Sutra, and the train still just won’t leave the station. Like Bad Slut said, sometimes its just fucking complicated. Sometimes, just for their effort, your partner deserves a demonstration of your gratitude in the form of a (fake) orgasm. If it saves your partner the torture of taking all that frustration personally, and you are just ready to call it a night, then it may be just a case of no harm, no foul.
2. You’re a newbie: when it comes to sex in general, communicating with partner(s), or having orgasms…maybe all three. Talking about what you want in bed is HARD. It is a vulnerable situation and if you don’t know your partner well, it can be more risk than you are willing to take. No one teaches us the language of negotiating our sexual needs and desires, so we’re all just mumbling out of the sides of our mouths or babbling on in euphemisms and odd sports metaphors related to pitching, catching, etc and hoping for the best. Good Slut has had years of practice and miles of slut qualifying experience and still mumbles and blushes in the face of potential humiliation. Bad Slut is right, if you never ask, you’ll never get your needs met. But the asking may be more of a process than a single act. Maybe in one encounter you suggest a new position, then in the next you tell your partner it really turns you on when they call you a whore/slave/snugglebunny/goddess. After that you introduce them to your vibrating cock ring. Maybe you don’t just haul out your love of erotic asphyxiation on the first date. Particularly not if you want to do the asphyxiating. In the end, it is, indeed, your responsibility to let your partner in on how you coco your puffs, but all Good Sluts know the value of discretion in these situations. If you need to throw out a low level test kink to give yourself a gauge for the reaction to the big stuff, do what you need to do.
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BadSlut says: Quit faking orgasms. Right now.
The other night while driving with my partner I caught a radio show doing a program on faking orgasms. I’m not a fan of this particular female host; she’s a little frivolous and stereotypical for my taste. But since the night’s topic was sexually-related, I thought I’d listen. Surely, she can’t be FOR faking orgasms, I thought. Surely there will at least be some debate amongst her listeners. Some talk about communication and real needs being met.
But NO. Twit-host was in favor of faking orgasms; she seemed to agree with several listeners (apparently straight) who thought “(gigglegiggle)it’s RILLY RILLY important to make a man feel like a KING, you know? I mean (gigglegiggle), if you DON’T fake it sometimes, then he’ll just feel bad and stuff, and that’s so MEAN…”
“Oh, yeah, TOTALLY, I know,” said the host.
Am driving.
Cannot ::headdesk::
Must ::headdash::
God damn it, people.
My partner turned to me and asked, “So what DO you tell women when they ask you about faking?”
It’s a terrible fucking idea, is what I tell them. I understand all the reasons behind faking–wanting to please a partner; not knowing what gets you off, or not feeling comfortable asking for it; wanting to end a marathon sex session and go to bed, already, but still get sex-bomb points. But long-term, faking orgasms will completely fuck you over. Here’s why:
1)It tells your partner whatever they’re doing is totally working for you. Next time? They’re going to do it again. Because it gave you an “orgasm”. Dummy.
2) If the problem is truly crappy technique, you’re not helping your partner improve. You’re just passing the problem on to the next person. THANKS A LOT, BITCH.
3a)You’re a big girl. It’s time to open your mouth. If you don’t *know* what gets you off, say so. There’s no shame in being inexperienced. We all start out as newbies. We all have first partners and first experiences. Cop to your level. Decent people find honesty charming. And some partners are VERY good teachers.
3b)You’re a big girl. It’s time to OPEN YOUR MOUTH. Once you know what turns you on and gets you off, it’s your responsibility to ask for it.
Your. Responsibility.
People aren’t mindreaders. And you have to get over that “OMG, one day I’ll meet my magical prince charming and he’ll just KNOW how to do me and he’ll be THE ONE” bullshit. Seriously. If you need oral to reach orgasm, say so. If you need a half hour of fucking plus a vibrator and some porn, then spill.
4)Sometimes, no matter how much we’re into it, or how good the sexing is, women just can’t come. Why? Lots of reasons. We’re fucking complicated. But guess what? Guys’ dicks don’t always work the way they want, either! They come faster than they’d like, or don’t get hard when they’d prefer. Why? Lots of reasons. We’re fucking complicated. Everybody acknowledge your limits, and relax a little. You have decades to have some orgasms.
It’s time to stop focusing on “perfection”, and focus on pleasure, instead. And a word to the straight women out there: one thing I learned from my years in the sex industry is that most guys will turn themselves inside out to please you. They’re willing to do nearly anything you ask. Really. But you have to tell them what you want, what you need, what you’re interested in trying. And stop giving them false information. There’s nothing wrong with making your partner feel like a champ. But if you’re lying to them about their sex technique by faking your orgasms, you’re really not doing that. Are you.
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Fuck it out, bitch
The topic of the week is: “People who are WAAAAAY too cerebral about their sex lives”. Examples? Okay!
1. The woman who needed me to order her a brand-new glass toy for her to purchase, because buying one out of the locked display case was unthinkable.
“People have HANDLED them,” she said. “It’s…UNSANITARY.” I explained that a) customers only held them in their hands; b) the glass toys were non-porous and sterilizable, MUCH LIKE A RESTAURANT DRINKING GLASS; c) any toy I ordered was likely to be “handled” by several people before she received it–the manufacturer, the packer, etc. No dice.
“But, a new one is NEW. It’s…CLEAN,” she said.
I give up and transfer my energy to selling her several bottles of antibacterial toycleaner instead.
2. The woman who LOST HER SHIT because a dildo manufacturer changed the dimensions of her favored toy a sixteenth of an inch.
A sixteenth. of. an. inch.
And she actually started crying.
3. Two shy kinda geeky chicks were checking out the double dildos. Everything was fine until I heard this:
“Well, yes, but if you consider the angle of trajectory of the protruding end, I think it’s just not going to be sufficient…”
Psst…here’s an idea. If you mash your face down in the carpet, and stick your ass waaaay up in the air, it’ll totally change the way that “angle of trajectory” affects you. Or, you know, try ANY other position besides missionary.
Nerds: Stop nerdifying The Sex.
Anxious chicks: Stop cerebralizing The Sex. It doesn’t make you, or your sex, more legit. Quit reading so many online medical journals and seeking experts’ advice and start LIVING IN YOUR OWN BODY. Dance. Get massaged. Stick your finger up your ass in the shower. No one’s looking. Masturbate. A lot. Quit doing it the same fucking way every time. Stop looking on the computer for answers! Scientists know jack shit about human sexuality. Who cares if you respond the same way as 63% of the population anyway? Your BODY can give you all the info you need.
So. Got some questions? In a bind? Quit being all researchy and living in your head. Ask your crotch what it wants.
Fuck it out, bitch.
Love, Bad Slut
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Bad Slut Reporting For Duty
Last night I went to Pirate’s Cove (Sandy Jug) to say goodbye to my favorite DJ from my Portland stripping days: Fox. The fucker’s gone and joined the National Guard. I’m gonna miss drinking Jager with him and listening to Depeche Mode & Combichrist & Dresden Dolls & Sisters of Mercy. Guess I’ll just have to send him baked goods and trashy reading material through the mails. And molest his brother 
On a bright note, I saw a stripper with nipples as big as mine. I may have to challenge her to a CD-stacking competition some night.
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